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sometimes, when feelings of hatred starts to overwhelm all over, i tend to forget about other's feelings at all. i'm afraid this IS true, though i'm in denial about it. i'm starting to hate myself just because of one stupid/irrational/judgemental statement that i've made, written in one of my previous posts. deep down, i know she's hurt, i know... and i'm sorry! i know it's kind of harsh but... nevermind. i know that it's the least that matters to her right now. that's just how i feel at that point of time. but please, read...

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all this while, i've been jealous of you. yes, i really do, if you must know. just having the idea of you, being one of my dearest's ex, my impression of you will definitely be different, am i right? furthermore, our old history in primary school, if you still remember, jarir? there's some kind of a tight competition between us back then since. and our friendship starts to trigger due to that, if you must recall. to make it worst, you've got the same interest as my boyfriend, and that is bowling. to think that every saturday morning, you guys'll meet up for practices and all, it just shows how close you and azri could get, although i knew that fazilah will be there too but still, the feelings of insecure will definitely be there, trust me. for once, try putting yourself in my shoes and i'll be doing sum' like that to your current boyfriend. it just doesn't seem right, since i'm like his past lovergirl, his ex. i know you'll hate that, though you'll keep denying it. plus, i came to know that your family knows, or rather, likes azri very well while mine, on the other hand, is having some kind of crisis with azri right now... ain't it just fishy? seriously, tell me 'cause i would really love to know. your elder sister(with her fiance' boyfriend), even, brought azri and you out for dinner at The Chicken Rice Shop once, if i'm not wrong, without me, am i right? and also, your family did gave azri a "secret" ride back home once too, from one of the bowling tournament quite recently. furthermore, at this one point of time, i had accidentally came across one of your MSN conversations with azri talking about me being ridiculous and all. everything just doesn't seem right for me, you know, 'cause probably, i just love my azri a little bit too much and i'm just too afraid of losing him, in your hands again, get what i mean? and and to think that after our breakup several days ago, i saw quite a number of your "happy" tags(while i'm madly down then) in his blog's tagboard, in conjunction of every azri's "happy" replies consecutively, it just hurts me so bad that you wouldn't even want to know. undoubtedly, it gave me the urge to make such a statement, in order to relieve myself from the pressure. it's just about the overall idea, you see. and i hate the overall scenario, please! tell me now, am i really irrational/judgemental? i'm secretly wondering, up till now, if you must know...

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deep down inside of me, i'm just hoping you'd try to at least understand my situation back then. infer, please. perhaps, you did do something wrong to me indirectly, but you have basically no idea about it at all. and once again, i really am sincerely sorry about my statement that i've made if it really offended you that much. i really do... =(((((!

p/s : no one will ever know how i feel, in return. no one... and that's what i'm sad about. i'm still the one at fault. it's useless. i'm afraid, she just wouldn't be bothered i guess, "jadi kita, buat bodoh aje lah... :D" life is indeed unfair, right? and sadly, my day's now spoilt. how great! =X